Our little love: sucking her thumb, and oblivious to everyone watching her.

All I do lately is make a baby. I just miss my more active and frankly more healthy lifestyle. I try to remember that soon I will be more motivated and able to pursue my interests, like working livestock, building, making cheeses and yogurt, processing meat animals, and gardening. . . even if soon is in six months or more. Considering that I went from the most health conscious, active, and in shape I’ve ever been, to sickest and most out of shape I’ve ever been in the matter of two or three months, six more feels like a long ways away.

At the gym a few months ago, when I was actually in pretty decent shape.

I worry about hurting the baby, or injuring my back (probably a more realistic possibility), so I don’t push myself physically day to day. I have felt stuck in a routine of laziness; either feeling sick until mid afternoon and then finally getting to work and feeling motivated by the evening, or I sit around and do nothing until mid afternoon out of habit. I’ve gone from feeling fearless and strong, to cautious and fatigued. I do try to “push myself” when we make it to the gym to rock climb, even though my new goals are much lower than the old ones. I get really excited (and also a little appalled by how out of shape I am) when we actually do make it to the climbing gym, and insist that we will be back later that week, and two or three times a week from then on. But alas, usually a day or two later Nicholas and/or I get a cold. It’s usually me. I have to remind myself that this is just a season, and things will change. After all, whenever I get sick I’m developing this kid’s immune system, right? (that being said, she better have one hell of an immune system.)

Being that I tend to identify myself by my interests, and I only count interests as things I actually do, it feels like I am a completely different person from who I was last summer. I have suddenly transformed from a farrier/farmer/homesteader/rock climber/dairy woman/wife, into a house cleaner/part-time farm hand. The shortest way to describe this transformation is discouraging. I love those interests because they are wholesome and healthy for me, while simultaneously enriching my experience of life.

My middle is growing steadily now, which is far more encouraging than the constant puking with no sign of baby.

I always expected that when I was expecting, I would burrow even further into this wholesome cocoon of interests, so as to best support the budding life in me. What I didn’t anticipate  was being sick all of the time. Don’t get me wrong, being pregnant has been one of my favorite experiences that life has had to offer thus far; I just never supposed that it would cause me to slow down and stop so much. I am definitely learning patience, hoping to God that when the baby comes that I will pick up some of life’s old rhythms and raise her in an active wholesome lifestyle. And I know, with the help of my sweet husband and the Lord willing I eventually will. It’s hard to remember that what is important, and what makes me who I am is that I am loving and serving my small family, not that I am fulfilling some ideal role that I have conjured up for myself in my own mind. In fact, continually focusing on how I am falling short of what I want to be is holding me back far more than any illness. What is important now is not how much I can accomplish; I have to remind myself to do what is right, do my best, and love this little person. She is the result of a loving family, and hopefully, as she grows, her love for and service of others will bear testament to these days.

Nicholas and I building a pig crate together to bring home our first sow.



2 thoughts on “It’s Not About Me.”

  1. by now im sure you have had ur baby, so how do u feel after that experience? For each of us is a season and carrying a baby is not only a growing in character for u but also a time of reflection and personal growth or could be if allowed. Womder how it all went, be very interested to find out


    1. Dave! So sorry for the enormous delay in response! I just now saw your comment 🙂 16 months after giving birth to my little one, I feel GREAT! She is SUCH a joy, and I am back to my active healthy self (finally). I have also gained a lot of perspective, and hope that I will take the seasons and limitations of pregnancy in stride next time around. I’m a little embarrassed by this post in hind sight, but that was how I was feeling at the time. It’s amazing how slow those nine months crept past, and how quickly the last 16 have gone! Hope you are doing well -Julia

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